Atlanta Braves: Melvin Upton Jr. Inks 10 Year Deal


NOTE: This story only exists deep inside a parallel universe.

The Atlanta Braves have announced that currently injured centerfielder Melvin Upton Jr., the artist formerly known as B.J. Upton, has signed a 10 year $400 million contract extension. The extension will keep Upton a member of the Braves through the 2027 season.

Upton’s first two seasons in Atlanta have been a bit bumpy, to say the least. After batting .255/.366/.422 in eight seasons with the Tampa Bay Rays he has seen his triple slash line slip to .198/.279/.314 in two seasons with Atlanta. Upton has also compiled a whopping 234 strikeouts for the Braves.

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These struggles have led to fans calling for a change, loudly expressing their desire to see Upton traded or even released. Apparently the Braves have opted to go in a different direction entirely. It is only a bad move if you believe that the primary objective of filling out an MLB roster is to have players that are good at baseball, otherwise it is a fantastic move. Will this seemingly inexplicable extension draw the ire of the fan-base? Only time will tell.

Braves manager Fredi Gonzalez thinks that those struggles are finally behind him. “B.J. was the guy racking up strikeouts, not Melvin,” said Gonzalez. “Ever heard of Lew Alcindor? Cassisus Clay? Prince? Those guys changed their names and everything worked out great.”

When asked for comment Braves general manager John Hart said “Who gave you access to this part of the building? I’m calling security!”
Upton was understandably excited about becoming the highest paid player in baseball. “Yeah, I was pretty bummed out about my injury and about Zayn leaving One Direction, so this is nice,” said Upton. “I’m not really sure why they decided to do this, but when someone offers you $400 million you don’t say no.”

The deal ensures that Upton will be roaming centerfield in Atlanta for the next thirteen seasons. In case you have not noticed already, this piece is entirely fictional and fabricated by a clearly deranged individual. Happy April Fool’s Day from everyone here at Tomahawk Take!

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