Atlanta Braves Fans Could Get Into This: Rule Changes for Entertainment
The MLB heads of state are not satisfied with the pace of play in baseball. There’s some ideas being floated around to quicken the pace of the game: pitch clocks, less pitching changes, automatic intentional walks, runner starting at 2nd base in extra innings. But I ask the question: Is that really the problem?
Atlanta Braves fans should lead the way with more entertainment in baseball. And we are here to provide suggested ways to do so.
In this day and age when kids are exposed to more violence than any other era of our country, when information of all sorts are at their fingertips on their beckon call, and when kids begged to be entertained non-stop, quickening the pace only decreases the time of boredom: it does not rid us of the boredom.
We need some solutions and that’s what I hope to provide. The following piece is a labor of love of real solutions to the boredom that kids, teens, tweens, or any non-fan might experience while at a baseball game. I hope you read it with an open mind and heart.
Pre-Baseball Beer Pong
This will be relevant soon...all part of a bigger plan. pic.twitter.com/tMhyQ8iiyE
— Ryan Cothran (@baldheaded1der) February 14, 2017
Prior to the game, one starting position player from each team will be randomly chosen to participate in a grueling match of head to head Baseball Beer Pong.
Several hundred pitchers of beer will be spread throughout the field during batting practice. Any baseball hit that makes its way into the pitcher of beer has to be chugged immediately by the opposing team’s chosen player. Playing pepper has never been so dire, and now there’s an actual in-game reward for it!
No matter the drunken stupor, said player may not opt-out of the game, and take at least 3 at-bats during the game. Playing dead is not an option, Ender Inciarte! And Freddie Freeman, if you’re seeing triple, might I suggest one-eyeing it or reach for the middle one!
Hot Dog Eating Contest
@baldheaded1der pic.twitter.com/0YioFuX7a7
— Brave Bee (@bravebee10) February 14, 2017
Prior to the game each team has to pick a Least Likely to be Used player from the 25-man roster (of note: No SP who’s in rotation can be used as the pick).
If that player is inserted into the game at any point, said player must endure a hot dog eating contest against the opposing team’s bench coach. If said player loses, he’ll have to don the cone of shame during the rest of the game instead of the normal MLB cap/helmet.
Losers are encouraged to lie down at their respective positions of the field and scream repeatedly, WHY ME, GOD?! WHY ME?! Ichiro Suzuki…you better stretch out that stomach. They don’t call him Terry “Weiner-Chomping” Pendelton for nothing!
5th Inning InstantChat This on your FACE!
@baldheaded1der pic.twitter.com/jAYuHdDDLl
— Brave Bee (@bravebee10) February 14, 2017
Dodgeballs sporting an official MLB baseball pattern will be launched into the crowd at a no holds barred pace towards any fan whose seen snapping, messaging, tweeting, chatting on their glowing screens. The glory will be displayed on the JumboTron with special effects worthy of 1960s television Batman! As a fan, OOOOOOO and AAAAAAAAH as much as you want, but don’t dare try to post a smashing blow caught on your camera to Twitter or you’re likely to be next!
Text: “OMG, you won’t believe who I just saw at Suntr….KABLOW! l
Loudspeaker: “FACE SHOT!!! OH YEAH!”
Instagram: “Beautiful night here at Suntrust with some great Braves fans! I love this…”
Loudspeaker: “It’s a shot to the gut! And there goes the beer…. the popcorn and now comes the vomiting! Ladies and gents, our first Triple Crown of the night!”
The 7th inning “Stretcher”
@baldheaded1der pic.twitter.com/WMP2bUl7pk
— Brave Bee (@bravebee10) February 14, 2017
Custodian from Harry Potter, Argus Filch: “God, I miss the screaming.”
During the 7th-inning stretch, a random player’s name from the opposing team is drawn from the home team’s Manager’s cap to get….
“The Rack!!!”
Strapped into “The Rack,” said player must endure the “stretch” during the entire singing of “Take Me Out to the Ballgame”.
If the player can’t last for the duration of the song, each attendee will receive 8 extra nuggets at the local crap chain when purchasing 20. Bryce Harper doesn’t stand a chance on The Rack at Suntrust! Noah Syndergaard? How ’bout we test if he’s the real Thor!
The 8th inning Apocalypse
During the entire 8th inning of play, hell’s gates open up as fireworks that would make Uncle Sam proud rain down on the field, Mid-pitch, mid-play – it doesn’t matter! Play never ceases, nor does the distraction. Burns or lost limbs cannot be treated until the inning is complete.
The torment doesn’t stop during a pitching change either. In fact, the chaos is TRIPLED. So if you’re a pitching coach and you’ve been sneaking a few extra doughnuts from the clubhouse spread, I’d suggest a dugout treadmill or it could be your…well, you get it.
Everyone’s a Millennial…I mean, a WINNER!
Now that the game has gotten more exciting, the result is negligible, therefore EVERYONE WINS!
Each position player wins a Batting Title, Triple Crown, MVP, etc., and all the glories of the Cy Young goes to every pitcher. Yes…even you get a taste Joel De La Cruz! All 30 teams finish 162-0 and undefeated in the playoffs. Trophies, Pizza, Champagne soaked eyes, and crappy beer for all!
Next: Does Albies Get Held Back Now?
Hope this has given you a chuckle today! Let’s say it together. 1, 2, 3…