Of course you know about Mad Libs. Fill in the blanks provided and then read out the humorous story that ensues. So yes – I had a crazy thought… and here it is: the very first (and probably last) Braves Libs.
A Seasonal Poem
‘Twas the night before Winter Meetings, when all through the Braves hotel suite
Not a creature was stirring, not even a John Hart;
The rosters were hung by the white boards with care,
In hopes that Taijuan Walker soon would be there;
[ event; location; animal; thing; person ]
The reporters were nestled all snug at their media stations ,
While visions of breaking news of a trade danced in their heads;
And Mark Bowman in his ‘kerchief, and I with my 5-hour energy drink,
Had just settled down for a long night’s vigil,
[ people; preposition; location; a thing; person; pronoun; thing; event ]
When out on the concourse there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the folding metal chair to see what was the matter.
Away to the hallway I flew like a flash,
knocked aside David O’Brien and threw up my ‘dinner‘ (a burrito) .
[ place; seating option; location; action; person; something… ]
The indirect lighting on the crest of the balcony above
Gave the image of credibility to teen-aged bloggers below,
When, what to my bleary eyes should appear,
But a miniature limo, and eight tiny agenteers,
[ something; position; location; view; adj; group; adj; vehicle, plural noun ]
With a little old lawyer, so lively and pompous,
I knew in a moment it must be Scott Boras.
More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;
[ occupation; adjective; name of somebody with an entourage ]
“Now, SCHERZER! now, WEITERS! now, CHOO and DREW!
On, CARGO (both of them) ! on FIELDER! on, BELTRAN and FOWLER!
To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!
Now sign away! sign away! sign away all!”
[ bunch of names; bunch of verbs ]
As dry heaves that before the wild press conference fly,
When they meet with a General Manager, mount to the pie-in-the-sky,
So up to the conference room the agents they flew,
With the sleigh full of Free Agent Clients, and Scott Boras too.
[ plural noun; event; occupation; a concept; location, plural occupations; group; that person again ]
And then, in a twitter, I heard on the wire
The prancing and pawing of a new rumor (pronounced “room-air”).
As I drew in my hand, and was turning around,
Down the escalator Jon Heyman came with a bound.
[ strange sound; archaic communicat’ns device; attent’n grabber; transport medium; person ]
He was dressed all in khaki, from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all wrinkled – from his suitcase, no doubt;
A bundle of notepads he had flung from his backpack,
And he looked like a lunatic just opening his yap.
[ clothing type; adj; explanation; stuff; preposition; location; person type; not-so-nice noun ]
His eyes — how they stared! his glasses how scary!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!
His droll little chin was drawn up like a bow,
And the collar of his shirt was as dingy as hell;
[ body part; adj (4 pairs of these); body part; noun; clothing part; adj ]
The stump of a pencil he held tight in his teeth,
And his jacket was rumpled; I think it was tweed; []
He had a square face and a funny-looking credential badge,
That shook, when he spoke like a San Francisco World Series game.
[ thing; body part; some phrase to rhyme with body part – kinda ]
[ geometric figure; something you can wear; something that shakes ]
He was breathless and incoherent, a right crazy old writer,
And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself;
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread;
[ 4 adjs; occupation; reaction; pronoun; prep phrase; reaction; prep phrase; reaction; prep phrase ]
He spoke not of rumors, but went straight to his perch (desk),
And mentioned every lead I already had worked;
And laying his finger aside of his nose,
He mumbled about sleep, then up the escalator he rose;
[ things; location; phrase; action w/a body part; location on the body; action; transport medium ]
I sprang to my station, to my laptop gave a whistle,
I had a new rumor, and thus I must hustle.
But lastly I exclaimed, ere Heyman faded out of sight,
“HAPPY WINTER MEETINGS TO ALL, AND TO ALL YOU SLACKER REPORTERS A GOOD-NIGHT!”
[ office loc.; office device; something; a phrase; strange person from before; adj; main event; group ]
Signed: Kenny Rosenthal
_____________
Submitted with apologies to both Major Henry Livingston Jr. and the Mad Libs creators. Somehow I don’t think I need to apologize to Ken Rosenthal.
Merry Christmas from your friends here at TomahawkTake.com!